/ 4
Jon: I went to my first gay bar this weekend. Being a straight man, this was an interesting experience to say the least. The only low point occurred deep into the night. I was busy getting down with this beautiful girl in a mob of dancing people when I realized, to my horror, that it was not any random person dancing behind me. It was a dude. Grinding on me. I sobered up real quick after this one and let the lesson be learned: always know who or what is rubbing on your ass.
Loryn: After hating me all through high school, this guy named David hit me up randomly on Facebook. We exchanged numbers and such because he said he had changed. My friend, Melissa, talked to David and said that he was really into me and wanted to work on becoming more than friends. I was very excited because David had gotten insanely cuter since high school. Not to mention, I still had a massive crush on him from those days. It was a couple texts later with David that when he told me that the only reason he was mean to me was because he secretly had a crush on me too. I confessed to having feelings for him and we set up a dinner date. The date was already ominous because it was Friday the 13th, but I tried not to let that down my excitement. The night of the date, David texted and said I would have to pay for my half of dinner. Which I was fine with, but the Friday the 13th thing was starting to loom in my mind. A couple of hours later, we went to dinner and had good conversation, then he invited himself over to my place because he didn't have enough money to take me anywhere else. His words, not mine. I allowed it and of course we were just hanging out when things started going in other places. No, we didn't have sex, but we rounded second base for sure. He didn't spend the night so he left me thinking he was totally into me. Then the next morning, I got a phone call from David telling me that we can't be more than friends. He explained that our personalities aren't compatible and that the midnight grope fest was a mistake. I took it like a champ, deleted his number and took a cold shower. People will let you down, but it's important that they don't bring you down.
Gretchen: I was seeing this guy for a few weeks who was an International Student. One night we were getting a little crazy and decided to have sex. He was on top and in control. Well, he could only control himself for 2 minutes. Because that's all he could last. He stopped thrusting and just laid on top of me for a good 5 minutes. The only thing I could think was: "Really? Was that seriously IT?". So I got out of his bed and went to the bathroom. When I came back I noticed his t.v. was on, so I asked casually: "Oh, Are we going to watch a movie?" Except it wasn't a movie. It was a DVD of his favorite band's music videos. I was thinking, Okay, this wont be too bad. So I crawled into bed and he spooned up behind me and pushed play. Boys II Mens' "I'll Make Love To You" started playing. Was this a joke!?? BOYS TO FUCKING MEN!?? This is 2012, how in the hell is that someone's favorite band. As if that wasn't bad enough, he started to whisper the lyrics into my ear with his broken English accent. "I'll make love to you, like you want me to" Well, no. You didn't.
Rachelle: I was living in an apartment with two roommates last year. Both were girls, but each of them had a special quality. One of the girls was bi-sexual and the other girl was bi-curious. I didn't mind it at all until one day I walked in on them making out on my couch. They immediately stopped and I stood there speechless.
Seth: A while back. I was making my move on this girl at a house party and she knew it. After a while of dancing and drinking a bit at this, we went back to her place. Things got heavy and naturally, there was a party in my head saying "You're doing great!" or "You da man! This is better than a Shabbos meal!" So I pull out the condom, but due to the stupidity of forgetting it's the condom I had in my wallet for a long, long time, I forgot I to grab some new ones back at my apartment. It wasn't expired, but when I opened it up, it was all dry and not fun to wear at all. It looked like the cocoon shell from a caterpillar, only there were no butterflies. In shear expectations, I pulled a "40 Year Old Virgin" by just blowing in it and putting it on, but that didn't help and there's nothing more stupid than a man blowing in a condom like a balloon just so he can get some. So while she's lying there all awkward, I had to be the one to say the nine words no man should ever say in his life, "I'm sorry, this has never happened to me before..." she laughed, but it wasn't that laugh that implied "Omg, this is so funny!" It was more of the "Wow, you're an idiot, please don't stay." We did other things, but I left just a bit later. When I got home, I just looked at my pack of condoms and said to them "You may have won the battle, but not the war. I will f**k you." To be continued? Perhaps.
Kelly: I once was dating this guy and since he shared a room we decided to take it to the shower. (Not knowing that the roommate had invited many of his friends over) When we left the bathroom we walked into a crowed of people, clapping and cheering for us.
Johnny: I just recently started working at Prentice a few weeks back and I wanted to make some friends so I invited this kid to come drink with me and a few friends. Before going out we decided to have a chugging competition so we were all pretty set. On our way out to the party I started to feel really drunk and I blacked out. From what I was told, the girls I was with offered to walk me back but my new friend insisted on walking me back instead. Being a straight guy I didn't think twice about him helping me back. It turns out he had gotten the wrong idea. The next morning I woke up to find him spooning me in my bed. Lesson learned, never trust a guy in skinny jeans with a mustache.
Lisa: Once upon a high school relationship, I was with my then boyfriend in the middle of the school parking lot. Sitting in his car, we started to heat things up and fog up the windows. I was completely naked and I was just about to take his jeans off. However, we heard a disheartening tap-tap-tap on the driver's side window. We both turned our heads to see the school janitor staring at us. After what seemed like years of silence, the janitor grunted for us to "go home". My boyfriend was stunned, leaving me to communicate with the intruder. I told him that we would leave and that we were sorry. My boyfriend remained silent as he pulled away from the scene and I went scouring through his back seat for my bra. I was yelling at him all the way home that he was stupid for not noticing anyone there. After a long yelling session, my boyfriend looked at me and said, "You see that happening all the time in movies, but you never think that it would happen to you." We laughed all the way home.