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Once upon a time, there were ten perfect Disney princesses. After their fifteen minutes of fame was up, we’d all like to think that the characters we know and love upheld their pristine reputations. Unfortunately, “happily ever after” doesn’t even exist in fairy tales. These princesses are so far from their original royal personalities that some are beyond the point of seeking help. Getting back to the real world, let’s see what our childhood idols are up to now.
Sleeping Beauty - Creeping Cutie
“What the prince doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”
Creeping Cutie is Chris Hansen’s dream girl. Her creeping goes beyond the internet and into mens’ dressing rooms, offices and locker rooms. She initially lures them in with her beauty, and the man usually takes out a restraining order within a month. She was sentenced to 16 years in prison, but the government immediately hired her upon discovering her hacking expertise.
Little Mermaid - Bossy Barmaid
“What do you think this is, Cheers?”
Apparently life above the water wasn’t all Ariel had hoped it would be. She returned to the sea only to get kicked out by her dad because her hoarding was out of control. Now she’s a mean, drunk bartender with orangey-tanned skin and split ends. Former employees describe her as “terrifying,” “a menace to society” and “must be euthanized.”
Snow White - Bro White
“I’m a real boy.”
A world that shuns transgendered individuals makes every day a struggle for Bro. After living with seven little men in the woods for a while, this girl was able to find his true self (wait, what?). He hopes to use his status and Lady Gaga songs to one day educate the ignorant about the transgender lifestyle for a more accepting society.
Princess Belle - Princess Smell
“Well, I do live with a beast.”
Once a sparkling yellow ball gown, the garment is unrecognizable these days- just like its owner. Belle gave up reading and singing with common kitchen utensils for a life of hugging trees and rolling in dirt. The resulting stench is so overpowering that the prince had to go back to beast mode to stay with her.
Mulan - Moolan
“You gonna finish that?”
After defeating Atilla the Hun, this fierce warrior got really, really bored and started eating her feelings away. She hasn’t stopped since. At a whopping 600 pounds, close sources are worried about her health and are planning an intervention. Whether or not it will be turned into a television documentary is still up in the air.
Princess Jasmine - Princess Has Been
“Damn you Kim Kardashian.”
Bitter about the paparazzi deserting her, Jasmine started doing anything for attention. When a shaved head and a sex tape didn’t work, she took the hint. She now operates a training camp for Toddlers in Tiaras, reliving the glory days vicariously through brainwashed, psychopathic 5-year-olds.
Cinderella - Cinderbella
“Eenie meenie minie... Edward.”
Cinderella was immediately drawn to the Twilight Saga. It was so much cooler than her own outdated love story that she made Stephenie Meyer’s fantasy her own reality. She now believes that she is Bella Swan to the point of mental institutionalization. They told her the hospital is the Cullen’s home. She can be found agonizing in her straight jacket...until Edward comes back.
Pocahontas- Smoke-a-hontas
“I’ll quit when I want to.”
Pocahontas picked up smoking due to peer pressure. At first it was only cigarettes, but when her skin started to shrivel and her voice was reduced to a raspy whisper, let’s just say this princess took the term “royal highness” to a new level. Her friends introduced her to Starbucks in an effort to divert her drug abuse, only to introduce a new addiction. She is known amongst baristas as Mochahontas.
Princess Tiana- Princess Rihanna
“Oh na-na, what’s my name?”
Tiana has lost her identity to the pop sensation Rihanna. She was introduced to Rihanna by her princess clad BFFs Sophia Grace and Rosie. She looks at people weird when they call her Tiana and irritatingly only responds with phrases like “oh na-na” and “please don’t stop the music.” She wears scary yet sexy clothes everywhere she goes, offering people a spot under her umbrella.
Rapunzel- DJ R-PuNzL
“I whip my hair back and forth.”
After escaping her tower, Rapunzel quickly hit the underground hip-hop scene. A tragic incident involving a dance fight and 80 feet of hair crushed her street cred for breakdancing. That is when she found her true calling in the DJ booth. She is rumored to be a favorite for other royals, like notorious party boy Prince Harry.
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