It’s Thursday night again, and you’re hitting the Kent bars. After a couple of beers, you realize it’s time to break the seal. Before you enter the jungle that is a female bar bathroom, here’s a guide to the species you’ll run into so you can make it out alive and unharmed.
1 "The Self-Conscious Girl,” scientific name: “Doilook Fatinthisius”
This species is on the lookout for people to ask, “Can you see my underwear lines through these sheer leggings?” As soon as you enter her territory, she will begin questioning you. Take note there is no right answer for the “Self-Conscious Girl.” If you tell her you can, in fact, see her panty lines, she will growl and keep asking you the same question until you change your answer to no. Then, she’ll say you’re lying and just trying to be nice.
Safest way to interact: Pretend to be talking on the phone. Even though the “Self-Conscious Girl” is very persistent, she still has manners and will save her questions for someone else.
2 "The I-Have-To-Go-More-Than-You Girl,” scientific name: “Letmecut Youinlineius”
She doesn’t care if you’ll pee your pants, this narcissist thinks she’s entitled to step up in line because she has to go more than anyone. Common excuses: It’s my birthday, I’ve been waiting forever, and the most used, I have to go BAD.
Safest way to interact: If you can’t stand another second of her bitching, just let her step in front of you. If you really do have to go worse than her, hold your ground. The “I-Have-To-Go-More-Than-You Girl” isn’t violent, she’s all bark and no bite. Tell her to get to the end of the line like everybody else.
3“The Small-Army-Stall-Posse Girl,” scientific name: “Howmanypeople Canwesqueezeinonestallius”
When this girl has to use the restroom, she grabs every friend at the bar to go with her. The “Small-Army-Stall-Posse Girl” will take five times longer than any normal bathroom visitor, so be prepared to wait if you’re in line behind her. This posse will shock even the most seasoned female bar bathroom guest, because when you thought only three or four were in the stall, out walk eight or nine.
Safest way to interact: Try not to roll your eyes or groan when the group of 15 enters the same stall. You are heavily outnumbered, and they are not above giving you a group swirlie.
4“The Impatient-Door-Banging Girl,” scientific name: “Getoutofthere You’retakingforeverius”
The biggest enemy of the “Small-Army-Stall-Posse Girl,” the door banger has zero patience for group pees. She doesn’t even have the patience for 30-second solo pees. You just got in the stall and zipped down your fly, and she’s already banging on your door.
Safest way to interact: Resist the urge to call out obscenities and smack her in the face with the door. Unlike the “Self-Conscious Girl,” the “Impatient-Door-Banging Girl” is not afraid to get physical. Just tune out the banging and hurry up.
5“The Sober Girl,” scientific name: “Rollseyes Atdrunkseus”
She got stuck DD-ing tonight, and she’s not happy about it. She doesn’t have time to wait for the “Small-Army-Stall-Posse Girl” or the “Self-Conscious Girl.” She thinks she’s so much better than this bathroom jungle.
Safest way to interact: Fight the urge to feign over-drunkenness to make fun of her judgmental attitude, and kill her with kindness instead. Put on your best sober voice and make her think you’re on the same boat as her. She’ll probably believe you, and then begin talking crap about the other species of bathroom dwellers. Little does she know, she’s one of them. But don’t tell her that.
6“The Crying Girl,” scientific name: “Drunkenemotions Aregoingpublicius”
This is the worst type of bathroom species. In the best-case scenario, the “Crying Girl” has a friend she’s venting to. In the worst-case, and most likely scenario, she’s snuck off by herself and lost control of her emotions. She’s sobbing about missing her ex-boyfriend or missing her phone, and she expects you, the bathroom visitor, to help get her emotions back on track.
Safest way to interact: Either leave immediately and find a new bathroom, or lend her a shoulder to cry on. All she wants is some advice or a pep-talk, so take the time to give it to her. She’ll soon snap out of it, and maybe even buy you a shot afterwards.