It happens to the best of us. You go out, get smashed and go home with some dude that bought you a couple cherry bombs at the bar. Then you wake up in Tri-Towers and realize that the last time you were this naked you were coming out of a uterus. Then it hits you.
Eventually, you’re going to have to leave the comforts of your “love nest” and walk down that hall to your car. Who knows how many people will see you. Let’s face it, Ke$ha probably wakes up in a dumpster with tampons stuck in her hair and she would look better than you right now. How to avoid the shame part of the walk of shame? Glad you asked. As an expert, I can walk the walk and talk the talk about the walk of shame. It’s all in being proactive.
1Put a hat in your purse before you leave the house. That way, if you do go home with a bed buddy, you won’t have to do much with your hair the next morning. You won’t want to either. It will be so knotted the next morningthat it will look like two squirrels made love in it. At least your split ends will be stuck together with sweat, stale hairspray and...other stuff. Seriously, the hat will work until you can make it home for a shower.
2Raccoon eyes. You know what they say, last night’s makeup is better than no makeup at all. Don’t reapply because that is too obvious. Put a tiny bottle of baby oil in your purse. Wipe away the unwanted smudges and smears the next morning.
3Red Eyes. Usually with the hangover comes red eyes that have us reaching for the shades in mid-winter. If you want people staring at you, I guess you could wear the shades. Or you could pop a drop of Visine in your eyes. I suggest the Visine.
4The “Whore” Drobe. All you have with you is last night’s sexy little number. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but not everybody on campus walks out of a dorm wearing a sparkly belt as a skirt and red pumps. I don’t expect you to pack a carry on before you leave the house for your night of sin, but I would suggest leggings and some Dr. Scholl’s Fast Flats tucked away in your bag. The leggings are a subtle way of saying, “What walk of shame?” The fast flats are good to replace those obnoxious high heels. And black goes with everything. They are available at any drug store.
5I can smell what I drank last night on every pore of my body. You could look like a million bucks coming out of that love den, but the minute someone takes a whiff of your whiskey sour breath, they will know you are pulling a fast one. Did you know they make travel sized fabric fresheners? They do. Spray a little of that on you and then a piece of gum will not only sober you up, but it will keep them guessing.
That’s the Walk of Shame Bible. The key here is to be proactive and put things in your purse that will help your hangover the next morning. So go out there and put to shame the reputation of the walk of shame.